The People vs Jason Todd
by J23K
Summary: Jason Todd wants to spend the rest of his days alone in prison to get away from the Bat family. It's too bad then, that Dick Grayson, Damian Wayne and Tim Drake get themselves intentionally arrested and put in the same prison.
1. Chapter 1 - Attitudes and Altitudes

I want to preface this story by saying it is indeed true, I do have 99 problems, and it is also indeed true, that a b**** ain't one.

* * *

" _Life_ _without_ _parole!_ " Officer Bellick slapped down Jason Todd's sentencing order onto the steel table in front of him.

Jason shifted his wrists in the handcuffs. "You don't think that was needlessly theatrical?"

"Coming from a man who wears a gigantic bucket over his head, fights crime _and occasionally saves kittens_." Then he felt the need to tack on, "you _sicken_ me _,_ Mr Todd _._ "

He said it with such sneer, like he was the most victorious guy in the world for having caught the _Red Hood_. Right now, the helmet was probably in lock-up along with all the rest of his stuff. Jason still felt the need to justify it though. "It's actually a protective visor." Then he twitched his nose. "Hey I know this is a bad time but there's kind of an itch on my nose."

"You think I give even _two thirds of a shit_ about your nose?"

 _Two thirds of a shit? "_ Okay also … needlessly theatrical but I guess I'll just have to ... _"_ Jason twitched his nose uncomfortably. Then he tried to get the itch with his tongue.

Bellick had one eyebrow permanently raised and he flung open the sentencing order.

" _Four_ hundred and _thirteen_ murders to your name, _Red Hood_."

Jason shrugged. "Would it help if I told you they were all criminals?"

" _Four hundred_ and _thirteen_ murders to your name _._ "

"Hey come on now," Jason said, "I'm sure it's closer to … three hundred and ninety-six … _I'm not a sociopath._ "

"Yesterday you beat a man to death with your bare hands and then slept in his bed where we eventually found and arrested you whilst you were still covered in his blood."

Ah. Well … that wouldn't exactly help his ' _not a sociopath_ ' case. "Would it make you feel better if I told you he was a rapist?"

Bellick snarled his discontent.

"Fine I guess three hundred and ninety-seven if you count the man I murdered yesterday."

" _Mr Todd._ "

Jason smiled. "Hi."

Bellick crashed down into the opposite prison chair with the look of a pitbull. Jeez, everything he did seemed to be with anger. He licked his finger and then he flicked through Jason's folder and kept his eyes on Jason. "Officially dead for nine years Mr Todd."

Well Jason didn't need to tell him the truth. "Yeah I faked my death."

"There's a file here for a post mortem done nine years ago that matches your teeth, DNA, scars and name."

 _Shit._ "Right so I actually lied. Funny story actually, _I did die_. And then I came back."

Bellick thought that was funny. He started to laugh. And because laughing was contagious, now Jason couldn't help a titter. Bellick laughed even louder and Jason started to chuckle loudly too. Eventually Bellick was roaring with laughter and so was Jason. Then Bellick stopped and his face went back to a slapped arse.

"Mr Todd."

"Hi."

Bellick furiously clambered onto the table on all fours and looked Jason in the eyes.

Jason leaned back. "Seriously, what is actually wrong with y-"

"Do you know what I see when I look at you, you scumbag?"

Jason thought about it for a second. "I'm going to say a scumba -"

"I see a _goddamn_ scumbag!" Bellick's face was red and furious. "And I ain't got time for no scumbags."

"Right," Jason said, "so anyway when I get to Fox River, could I get like a top corner cell or something?"

"You want a top corner cell?" Bellick was still on top of the table on all fours and staring Jason down. "You know what I don't understand?"

"There's something very wrong with you, officer."

"How did you manage to get yourself caught …" Bellick started, "when we've been hunting the Red Hood for _nine years_ and never _even_ caught a whiff of you _._ "

"In all honesty?" Jason leaned a bit back from Bellick's rabid face. "Wrong place, wrong time."

"I've been on your case for nine years Todd," Bellick said, "and yesterday you decided to make your first ever mistake?"

If this guy had been the lead guy chasing Jason for nine years, it was no wonder Jason hadn't been caught. But Bellick was right, Jason had been caught on purpose. And the reason for that was very simple. He wanted to sever all ties with the bat-family forever after. That was Jason's only goal for going to prison. So now, all he wanted was a nice cell where he could live the rest of his days happily without ever having to think about Dick, Tim or Damian again. "I was on holiday."

Bellick was still on all fours on the table. "Well you've got a guest Mr Todd … and he was _very_ insistent to see you."

Oh, fuck no. _It'd be Bruce._ _"_ No."

"Yes."

"No."

Bellick leaned forwards on the table. "Yes."

"No, I got caught in Fray Bentos in the middle of Uruguay around 3,702 miles from Gotham so that he wouldn't find me. _"_

Bellick laughed and then his face became deathly straight. "Well guess what."

"He found m -"

" _He found you!_ "

"Okay jeez, just go have some cake or something, you're such an angry man."

" _Don't tell me what to do, Mr Todd!"_ Bellick practically roared with a beet red face and then his expression went back to straight as he stared Jason down. "But y'know what? I'm going to do that. And do you know what cake I'm going to have?"

"I'm going to guess cheesecake?"

" _No!_ " Bellick roared. "I was going to have a triple strawberry gateaux. But y'know what?"

"Cheesecake sounds better?"

" _Cheesecake sounds better!_ "

Jason nodded. "Right. You enjoy that."

"Don't tell me what to do, Todd," Bellick said and then rolled off the table and crashed onto the concrete below. Then he stood up and brushed himself off. "I'm going to leave now. You have _fun_ with your friend."

Jason placed his cuffed hands onto the table and watched the door as Bellick left.

Then all the lights went out.

Jason closed his eyes. _Of fucking course._

Then the lights flashed back on and there stood Batman, menacing as ever. He immediately used some gadget on his belt to turn off all the cameras and voice recorders in the room. " _Jason._ "

Jason smiled awkwardly. "Hi Bruce."

"You're in prison?" Bruce said in that ridiculous Batman voice he always used that made it sound like he just had throat cancer.

Jason took a deep breath. "Bruce I feel like there's a lecture coming, and I just want to let you know right now that I'm a fully grown man." He shifted his cuffed hands. " _So I'm going to hold my breath until I pass out if you lecture me._ "

"You got yourself arrested, Jason."

You could probably throw a cat at Bruce's face that would claw into his facial features for an entire year and Bruce would still have a completely unreadable face. "Seriously your voice … it's like you're constantly gargling marbles or something."

"Did you _not even think they might actually give you the death penalty_ -"

"Oh god, _your voice -_ like someone is just taking a cheese grater and fucking my ears with it …"

" _What about Damian? Do you know how much he likes you? Do you really think he would be happy that_ …"

"Like someone's just … pissing all over my brain ..."

" _You were once an example Jason, how could you have let yourself_ …"

Jason turned to the door and shouted over Bruce's voice. " _Hey could I get like a small razor or something in here? I think I'd like to self-harm now_."

" _Jason,_ " Wayne said finally and snapped Jason's eyes to him. "Why are you doing this?"

Jason grit his teeth. Looks like he was gonna have to be square with his former mentor. "Look it's … it's not you, Bruce. Don't put on that ' _I let you down and you are the reason I can't sleep at night_ ' voice. I just want a nice cell in a corner where I can cry myself to sleep. Is that too much to ask?" Jason leaned forwards. "I get transferred to Fox River tomorrow. Just leave me alone. If you really wanna keep in touch, write me."

"I'm sorry Jason," Bruce said, "honestly - _don't do this_."

"I forgive you Bruce," Jason said, "I just don't want anything to do with you."

Bruce said nothing.

"So if that's all we have to talk about, I'd like to be escorted to my holding cell. Tomorrow I get transferred out. Bye Bruce."

"Jason …"

No he didn't need any condolences now. He _couldn't_ do anything with any condolences. " _Guards! He's done._ "

" _I'm sorry Jason. I'm so sorry._ "

" _Guards!_ "

Bellick burst in through the door, his lips covered in what Jason assumed to be cheesecake.

Jason raised his cuffed hands. "Take me away, officer."

Bellick looked around at Batman. "Mr Batman, I'm a big fan. I wanted to tell you though that you should probably get your vocal chords checked as you may _very_ _well_ have throat cancer."

" _I don't have throat cancer,_ " Bruce garbled but it sounded more like ' _bli don't have thraiosddj cancerfj_ ' then the lights went out and when they came back on, he was gone.

"God I _love that man,_ " Bellick said whilst tugging up his trousers. "That _throat cancer_ voice." Bellick made a guttural ' _mm!_ ' sound from his throat. "You know him?"

" _Nah,_ " Jason said.

Bellick and two other guards escorted Jason back to his cell. They then undid his cuffs and locked him into the cell which was basically a small bed and a toilet.

And as soon as he was in, he rubbed his hand through his hair. Then he collapsed into the wall and down onto the floor.

Why was he getting worked up? He didn't need Bruce's pity, or any of the other bat brothers.

He just needed to be alone.

Corner bed in a corner cell at Fox River - that's what he needed. He crashed into the bed and wrapped himself in the blankets.

 _Corner bed in a corner cell._

He smiled and slowly sunk into sleep.

It was too bad then, that Jason didn't know that earlier Dick Grayson, Tim Drake and Damian Wayne had gotten themselves arrested and were being transferred to the very same prison to break Jason out.

* * *

Little side project on the side of EWTRTW. It's not going to be nearly as big in scope, and this is a comedy whereas that has comedic elements but is mainly more an adventure-drama. This is going to be equal parts court-drama, prison break and bat fluff :)


	2. Chapter 2 - Prisoner's Dilemma

You guys enjoy this chapter whilst I deeply ponder over the verses of Kendrick Lamar.

 **Chapter 2 - Prisoner's Dilemma**

 _Ah, the great desert outdoors._

"Do you smell that, boys?" Jason said to the two coppers escorting him. "That's the sweet smell of environmental pollution." He took in a deep breath and then practically hacked up his lungs when the toxic fumes hit his nostrils. " _Beautiful._ "

"Move your ass Todd," Bellick said from the transport bus, "you can tell us all about it when you get to Fox River."

 _Fox River._ Where even though he would be imprisoned, he'd also finally be free. Jason nodded with a smile and then clambered past Bellick and onto the bus. It was pretty full of orange jumpsuited prisoners, and he just slumped down into the only empty two seater with a breath of refreshment. Then he nodded to some of the prisoners around him happily.

Bellick bounded onto the bus. "Alright kiddies. It's about a twenty minute drive to Fox River and we're not stopping for toilet breaks. So I'm only going to ask once - have you all gone to the toilet already?"

"Wait," Jason said, "you're going to be driving this bus?"

"Yes Todd, I'm a very _multi-talented_ man."

Jason blinked. "You drive the bus."

"And you wear a bucket over your head at nights; what's your point, Todd?"

Jason frowned. "But it's a protective visor _._ "

"Sure as shit looks like a bucket, Todd."

Jason ignored this. "Alright so wait, you were the man who was chasing me for nine years, and also the warden of that holding cell and now also the bus driver?"

"Todd I'm also a proud mother of five." He whipped out his wallet and showed Jason a picture of him smiling with five boys. "My youngest just started university. He was a C-section."

Jason looked between the photo and Bellick. " _But how is that even possible …_ "

"I'm going to drive the bus now Todd," Bellick said slowly, "I hope that's okay with you."

Jason just sort of nod and let Bellick leave towards the front of the bus.

Still, the journey and the accompanying silence was _good_ for Jason's brain. No more Graysons, no more Drakes and _most definitely_ no more Wayne's for the rest of his life. D'you know, it gave him kind of a rush to know that it -

"Hi Jason," Dick said from besides him.

Jason froze. _Oh fuck no_ … _it couldn't be him_ _… Jesus no …._ Jason mechanically craned his face towards the now occupied seat next to him in horror.

It was Dick Grayson.

" _No … no no no …_ " Jason's hands slapped onto Dick's face to test if he was real, full on stroking all over his face in circles.

Dick was still smiling through Jason's invading hands with one eye closed. "What are you doing?"

Jason couldn't help it, he just burst into tears. Like no self-respect, shameful ' _I just ate seven packets of Cherry Bakewells whilst I was on a diet and I'm such a fucking fat disgrace_ ' tears that streamed down his face. Wept like a bitch for about thirty seconds into his hands murmuring ' _why_ ' and ' _how_ ' over and over again.

"You okay, Jason?" came the voice of Tim Drake from behind him.

Jason bawled even harder at Drake's voice.

Dick put his arm around Jason and held him close. "There there buddy, it's okay."

As if it was some kind of lifeline, Jason clutched Dick's shirt and sobbed into it. " _I just want you all to die in a horrible fire_. _Is that too much to ask?_ "

"I know buddy, I know. Just let it all out."

Jason sobbed loudly.

Dick patted his hair. "It's okay Jaybird, get it off your chest."

" _Call me Jaybird again and I'll punch you in the throat OH GOD WHY ARE YOU HERE …_ "

Dick just rubbed circles over his back as Jason's tears practically drenched Dick's orange jumpsuit.

" _An-and I left you to die,"_ Jason started with a sniff, _"and then … and then I got arrested 3,742 miles away from Gotham and then … and then …_ " Jason clutched onto Dick and bawled even harder. " _I stopped following you on Twitter and you still found me!_ "

"It's okay buddy - _also, you forgot to unfriend me on Facebook_."

That's okay, that's okay, this whole situation was still redeemable. "Okay," Jason sniffed, "okay, please tell me you at least didn't bring the demon brat _-_ "

"I'm here Todd _,_ " came the voice of Damian Wayne.

Alright that was the final straw. Jason leapt over Dick and then smashed himself out the window of the moving bus and bashed across the desert floor. He then sprinted out into the desert in zigzags yelling ' _you'll never take me alive_ ' and ' _fuck you Grayson!_ '. He was promptly tased and brought back by two guards. "Fuck," he said, "I was really hoping that would work."

"Nice try Todd," Bellick said as he stepped off the now parked bus, "but you're not going anywhere today. You're going to live with all of _these_ animals for the rest of your life."

Jason sobbed sharply for a second and then his face went straight again.

Bellick adjusted his police hat. "Good thing we were just outside the prison when you decided to eject yourself from a moving vehicle. Now _line up! All of you!_ "

Jason lined up outside the bus as did all the other convicts. Tim stood right next to Jason. "Hi Jason. I really like your jumpsuit."

Jason looked anywhere but at Tim. "Drake," he acknowledged.

"And also I really like those white streaks in your hair."

"Drake we both know I'm too sexy and cool for you to be talking to me right now."

Tim seemed to ignore this. "Also, I love the way you died and came back. It was _inspirational._ You should write a book."

"Well I already have a book, Drake. It's called ' _Jason Todd - the life, loves and consequences of being brutally murdered and then resurrected in the bottom of a cave_ '."

"Oooh," Tim said like he was a kid at a candy store, "did it do well?"

"It peaked at number two on the New York Times Bestsellers list."

"What was number one?"

Jason levelled him with a deadpan stare. " _How the Universe works_ by _Timothy Drake_."

There was an awkward silence between them for a while.

" _Oh,_ " Tim finally said.

"Yeah."

"Alright welcome to Fox River, you sacks of shit," Bellick said, "your to-be home for the rest of your sentences."

Jason peered across the line at Damian. "Officer, that kid is eleven years old. Why is he here?"

Bellick walked over to Damian and looked down at him.

Damian barely came up to his knee, and he had that badger face on and was staring up at Bellick.

"Todd does have a point," Bellick said with a cocked head.

Just like his father, Damian was emotionless. "I'm twenty seven."

"Your … voice hasn't broken."

Damian just stared up with that badger face still plastered onto his features.

"And …" Bellick continued, "your adult jumpsuit is practically drooping over your shoulders."

"You can check my records." Damian rolled his shoulders. "It's all on there."

Bellick practically snatched Damian's records from his supporting officer and scanned them over. "Your name is Shaniqua Terrell."

Damian said nothing.

"And you're an African American ..."

Damian sniffed.

"… _woman_ …" Bellick looked over him inquisitively. "Who's six foot four."

Damian was still looking up at him from the floor.

"And also part of the NWA rap group _okay_ _excuse me for two seconds._ " Bellick scooted over next to Jason and twitched his lips towards Jason's ear. " _Alright Todd you might be onto something._ "

" _What_ gave it away?" Jason said sardonically.

"Well if you must know Todd, I was part of the NWA rap group for three years, and we took over Manhattan with our sick bars."

"You just …" Jason rubbed his forehead. "Alright fine whatever … you also rap … apparently … just arrest _…_ "

"I don't rap Todd, _I flow._ "

"Just take him away, Bellick!"

Bellick rolled over to Damian. "Soo as Todd has raised a query, we're going to have to put you into lock-up until your story checks out."

Damian growled.

"Now don't get me wrong Shaniqua," Bellick started, "I believe you. It's just Todd … he doesn't believe you were part of a rap group that made five triple platinum albums and did three world tours over the course of three years."

Damian stared up at Bellick. "I'll just break out and into Todd's cell."

"Well I highly doubt that, you Zulu-looking freak," Bellick said, "we have reinforced steel doors and thirty feet of concrete walls."

"And if I do?"

"Then ah - you can stay in Todd's cell, I suppose."

Jason closed his eyes. " _No_ _why would you give him that option … "_

"Challenge accepted." Damian had an overstretched grin on his face, like he was some kind of nightmare Cheshire Cat.

Bellick visibly shivered. "Okay take him away from me now _._ "

The two officers promptly escorted Damian away from the rest.

Bellick was rubbing his own nipples. "I'm not really sure why but that whole encounter was so scary that it actually turned me on." He snapped towards the prisoners. " _Alright so_ _living_ _arrangements_! Richard Grayson."

"Yes sir!" Dick said with an enthusiastic salute.

"You're to be staying with Todd."

" _Yes!_ " Dick shouted.

" _No!_ " Jason cried. Alright _that_ was the final straw. Jason head butted Bellick and then he sprinted out into the desert in zigzags, jumping up and down and yelling ' _you'll never take me alive_ ' and ' _fuck you Grayson!_ '. He was promptly tased until he was dribbling and then brought back by two guards. "Fuck," he said, "I was really hoping that would work this time."

Dick turned to him with a ' _barely-able-to-hold-his-excitement_ ' face. "You and me are gonna be best buddies in a cell for the rest of our lives!"

Jason vomited onto the floor.

"And then after that, we can break out!"

"Well that doesn't sound too -" Jason vomited again. " _Urh, that taser._ Okay, whatever. You already found me so fuck it, let's break out Oh God _stop hugging me!_ "

* * *

-cries at Kendrick's deep lyrics-  
Oh my God the man is a genius.  
Also, if you are enjoying this story, please support my other story, 'Everybody Wants to Rule the World' with a review or a follow! It's a more serious one, but it's all about the interplay between the four brothers (which I FRICKING love to explore) and I'd love to know your guys thoughts on it :)


	3. Chapter 3 - Everybody Loves Tim

RIGHT so guys if you were one of the 200 people that read this chapter on the 8th April before I took it down, you'll know it was a sprawling mess with no structure because I kind of took a risk and make it super cracky with no story. So even though it (from your guys feedback) retained the laughs, it just wasn't with the structure and type of longevity that I'm hoping to write these fics with. So I present to you the new and improved Chapter 3, and hope to God it will be okay!

I also want to give a special shout-out to LunarDusk who made me realise that this chapter didn't really have too much focus, so I've split it into two parts with a focus for each - and you can expect Chapter 4 on Sunday! :D

* * *

"Everyone _loves_ Tim, Cass," Jason drawled into the phone.

Cassandra Cain said nothing through the other side of the phone. Mostly because she didn't actually possess the capacity to speak. These conversations with her were still therapeutic to Jason though.

"Y'know I get that Tim is supposed to be cool," Jason continued, "but he isn't the type of guy I want to be hanging around with for the rest of my life in prison."

He looked at Tim in the opposite cell on the other side of the prison chasm and Tim waved enthusiastically at him when he caught Jason's attention with a high-pitched ' _hi Jason!_ '.

Jason stuck up his middle finger.

"I just _hate_ him Cass," he continued and turned away from Tim, "and it's pretty _akward_ that my replacement is in the cell opposite from me and I can _always_ see him."

There was a cough from the other side of the phone, and then complete silence.

"Would you be judging me like that if I told you I _have a plan_ for getting out? _And_ it doesn't involve Tim Drake? I just need to tell Dick my plan and convince him that we don't need my replacement. If I talk him through it, I _think_ I can bring him around."

Silence. It sounded like she was eating crisps from the other side of the phone actually.

"Cassie you could just give me your input every now and again _I'm sure it wouldn't fucking kill you._ " Jason rubbed his eyes. "Look _I'm sorry_ Cass I know you're a mute, it's just Drake - he makes me cranky. Look, just have a getaway vehicle ready for when we get out and I'll talk to Dick. Thanks."

At that, Cassie put the phone down from the other side.

Jason lobbed the phone back to the supporting officer and then swerved around. "Alright Dick listen up I have a plan." He perched onto the cell floor with the shiv in his hand and Dick was sitting cross-legged adjacent from him. "Now we're going to ... what are you looking at?"

"Huh?" Dick was snapped from where he was looking like a wide-eyed puppy. "Oh sorry Jason! I was just watching Tim." He smiled. "He's made real good friends with his new cellmate."

" _What_?" Jason whipped around and peered at Tim with narrowed eyes. "Wait, you mean he's made friends with _Paul_ _the_ _murderer_?"

Sure enough, Tim was in the adjacent cell and hugging his gigantic cellmate who was sobbing into Tim's shoulder.

Jason's jaw was practically on the floor. " _How did he make friends with Paul the murderer_?"

Dick furrowed his brows. "Hey why do they call him Paul the murderer, Jaybird?"

Jason looked at him blankly. "Because he _murders_ _people_ , Dick."

"Oh." Dick swallowed.

Tim was on his tip-toes to reach around the big man's neck and Paul the murderer was squeezing Tim tight. Tim's eyes were closed peacefully as he stroked the large man's back.

What the hell? Paul the murderer didn't hug people. In fact, never in his entire life had he been known to do anything but murder people.

Dick smiled. "Tim's cool. He can read situations and he's cool. He knows what he's doing. I think this whole thing goes to show that _everybody_ loves Tim."

Jason ground his teeth with an audible sound. "Alright, fine everyone likes Tim. Let's just stop talking about Tim for a second and get back to how we're getting out of here."

Dick frowned. "But why can't we get Tim in on it as well?"

"Look, Tim is ... he's just …" _He replaced me with Bruce not even a year after I died?_ "Tim can't come with us, okay? I'm happy for you to come with me but Tim _can't._ "

Dick looked so genuinely heart-broken that it hurt. When he next talked, he sounded like a kid trying to get into a theme park. "But _come on_! Tim has a plan to get out! He has a route memorised and I really think you should just give him a chance because …"

Jason clasped Dick's lips together with his fingers. "Stop … stop with the flapping of your lips."

Dick's eyes were wide and he grunted through clamped lips.

"Look just hear out my plan first, _please Dick_! Then decide if we need Tim or not."

Dick mumbled through clamped lips. "Mmkay daybith ..."

"Oh my bad." Jason let go of Dick's lips and shook off the saliva.

Dick frowned and sniffed. " _Okay Jaybird_ , we'll try your way ..."

"Alright cool!" That was all the reinforcement Jason needed and he fist pumped and then took the shiv and started scratching lines into the floor. "Now watch and learn, Dick," he said with a smile.

Dick's brows furrowed. "What the … it's a map. You're drawing a map of the entire layout of the prison? How do you know where all the strategic power points are that we can use to cut power?" Dick propped down next to where Jason was drawing. "You know the guard positions too? Wow this is actually so much more prepared than I thought you would be … I mean - _considering how prepared you've always been in the past_ … maybe we can do this without Tim …"

Jason stopped drawing and looked at Dick in confusion. "Dick, it's a cactus. It's … I'm drawing a cactus. What exactly are you looking at?"

Dick looked blankly at Jason's drawing. "So … this isn't a map?"

Jason frowned and looked at it. "Is it really that bad a drawing?"

Neither of them said anything for a while and looked at the drawing. Then Dick looked at Jason. "It's a _terrible_ drawing."

Jason felt his cheeks flush. "Look, the quality of the drawing isn't important." To emphasise his point, Jason tapped the cactus. "This cactus is the safest place just outside of the prison because the spotlights don't hit it. If we can find a way to get there without getting shot through the ass, murdered or raped, then Cass can pick us up in a getaway vehicle."

"Huh." Dick looked at the drawing and smiled. "That's actually a really good idea, Jaybird."

Jason beamed. "Right?"

"But how do we get to the cactus from here?"

Ah. Here's where the plan stopped making sense. "I don't know." Jason scratched his chest awkwardly. "I haven't thought that far ahead yet."

Dick stared into Jason's eyes and said nothing. As if to say with his eyes _areyoufuckingserious?_

"Look I'm working on a plan, okay!" Jason retreated his eyes from Dick's questioning gaze. " _I just need some more time_ Jeez just _leave me be._ "

Dick sucked breath through his teeth as if he was in pain. "See, Tim knows the way to get out of ..."

"Beg your pardon?"

"I said Tim has a route memorised and knows exactly ... oh, _that's just petty, Jason._ "

Jason had the shiv pressed against the base of his wrist suicidally and he put it down when Dick caught him. "Right. Sorry."

"As I was saying, Tim has the route memorised and ... _Jason! Quit it!_ "

Jason had his duvet secured around his neck as a noose suicidally and he untangled it when Dick caught him. "Right. Sorry."

Dick sighed. "Alright look, you clearly don't want Tim to help us … and I just want you back with us in Wayne Manor … so if you can tell us a plan to get to that cactus, then we'll leave Tim here and he can break out on his own later."

Jason was smacked with the sweet light of revelation at these words. " _Bellick!_ We can ask Bellick! Bellick will be able to tell us ways that we can get to the cactus."

Dick's brows furrowed. "Jason, he's not just gonna tell us how we can break out."

"Well we're not gonna _tell_ him we're going to break out! We'll just _coax_ it out of him!" Jason sprinted towards the bars. " _Bellick? Bellick!_ "

Bellick slapped himself onto the cell bars from the side in a sexy pose.

Jason screamed and leapt away from the bars.

" _Hello, Todd._ "

Jason looked out the cell and tried to identify where Bellick had come from. "Why were you just standing outside our cell?"

" _Jesus, Todd!_ " Bellick adjusted the salad he had in one hand and Jason's protective visor in the other. "It's not because I'm secretly in love with you if that's what you mean!"

There was a silence and Dick and Jason exchanged another glance.

" _Wait_ ," Dick said, "why are you holding a salad, Mr Bellick?"

Bellick seemed to catch what he was doing and then he began to laugh. "Let me tell you why I'm holding this salad, my little olive-skinned _fucking circus freak_. I just made it for Drake."

Jason's eyes widened. "Timothy Drake?"

Bellick stepped directly in front of Jason. "Todd, let's cut this chit chat because I will let you use my body in any way you want if you so request."

"No that's not … no … _what?_ " Jason furrowed his brows and changed the subject. "Why are you holding my protective visor?"

"This is a protective visor?" Bellick lifted it in the light. "Oh. I thought it was a bucket."

"Why … _why would you be bringing Tim a bucket in the first place?_ "

"In case he needs to throw up because of my salad." Bellick looked at Jason blankly. "I'm not a good cook, Todd. People … people throw up when they eat my cooking _._ "

"But it's not a bucket, Bellick! It's a protective visor!"

Bellick blinked. "Is that supposed to mean something to me?"

"No, I suppose not." Jason sighed. "Okay scratch that, why are you giving this salad to Drake?"

"Simple reason Todd." Bellick adjusted his hat with the free parts of his hand. "Tim is an incredible person with an incredible heart. He's actually revered as the new messiah of this prison."

"He's only been here _twenty_ _minutes_ …"

"… and so - _don't be jealous Todd_ \- so I want to get into his good books as quick as possible."

"Well it wouldn't matter if you were in his good books or not," Jason said quite morosely and clutched the bars, "he's stuck in a prison for the rest of his life."

"He still has love to give, Todd!" Bellick scooped up the salad protectively and walked towards Tim's cell. "What do you have to your name? Other than _murder_ and a _perfectly proportioned ass?_ "

Dick furrowed his brows. "You have a _perfectly proportioned ass?_ " He bit his lip. Then he carefully leaned away from the bars and looked down.

"Don't look at my ass, Grayson."

"Right." Dick's eyes went up and to the ceiling. " _Sorry._ "

Jason watched Bellick as he sauntered away. "He really made Tim a _salad?_ "

"Yeah." Dick chuckled. "Hey, do you remember that time for my 14th birthday when you made me food?"

Jason shrugged. "That wasn't salad. That was pancakes."

"It was still food." Dick stopped smiling. "It's funny what you remember when someone's taken from you before their time."

Jason looked down. He figured Dick still thought about it but ... "The tyres … Bruce told me you used to sleep with the tyres I tried to take from the Batmobile when I first met him."

Dick nodded with a small smile. "I err … they were my pillow _it's_ \- things weren't the same without you, Jason. It was like life had …" Dick's eyes scanned left and right as he thought. " _Stopped._ "

Jason nodded. "Thanks Dick," he said - and he was being honest, "for coming back for me today, I mean."

Dick started bouncing on the balls of his feet as he turned to Jason. "But Tim loved you even more!"

Jason turned around. "Where's my shiv …"

"Look, even Bellick likes him _please just give Tim a chance_! He used to watch all of your combat videos. He-he built a shrine to remember you after you died, and he still loves you _even after_ you beat him to near-death twice!"

Jason furrowed his brows. Ah, it seemed like the only way to actually get out would be through Drake's help. Maybe if he formed an alliance just until he got out? Then at least he could dump Drake as soon as he left the prison.

It wasn't ideal … but it would work …

"Alright Dick." Jason bit his lip. "Let's get him in this cell – _EH_ don't hug me or I will actually shiv you."

Dick frowned. "Sorry, but I can't help it! I'm so _happy_!"

"Shut your lips." Jason sighed and rolled his eyes. "Alright _Tim!_ "

At hearing Jason's voice, Tim got super enthusiastic from the adjacent cell and started bouncing up and down and waving. "Hi Jason!"

"You need to get transferred to this cell. Don't let me down or I'll never talk to you again." Jason furrowed his brows and then added, "so like ... no pressure or anything."

Tim furrowed his brows. "Oh okay _well I'll try my best, Jason!_ "

"Okay but just so we're clear, if your best isn't good enough I will _never_ talk to you again."

Tim was grinning like a madman. " _Thanks for this, Jason! I won't let you down!_ "

Jason rubbed his eyes. What fresh new hell was he getting into? What ... what the ... "Grayson, _stop trying to look at my ass!_ "

* * *

Was it still too cracky? Let me know in the comments! And don't forget that I love you! Because if you ever forget, I'll kill you. Like I'm not kidding, I will - I will kill you.

Also, if you are enjoying this story, please support my other story, 'Everybody Wants to Rule the World' with a kudos! It's a more serious one, but it's all about the interplay between the four brothers (which I FRICKING love to explore) and I'd love to know your guys thoughts on it :)

I'm actually working on a new one called Vertigo which is another serious one where Tim gets a phone call that changes his life and I'm SUPER excited to bring you that one.


	4. Chapter 4 - The Scooby Squad is Back!

You mean to tell me everything's gon' be fine, if I call yo' hotline and pay $29.99?!

(Also, special shout-out to PrettyKittyLuvsU and 4thwallvigilante who wanted to see a lot of the jokes in this chapter again).

* * *

 **Chapter 4 - The Scooby Squad is Back!**

"Hey Jason, do you think maybe after we break out, we can go for gelato?" Dick said from where he was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the cell.

Jason didn't look at him. He carried on watching Tim. It had been about thirty minutes and Jason had no idea what Tim's plan would be to get into this cell. "No, there's not gonna be any gelato."

Dick frowned and furrowed his brows. He started filling his cheeks with air and twitching his lips up and down in boredom. Then his eyes lit up. "Hey Jason, can you do this?" He sprang into a handstand and then walked with his hands over to where Jason was standing at the bars of the cell. Then he looked up to see if Jason was looking.

Jason still didn't look at him. "No."

"What about this?" Dick did a handstand with one hand now, and then he looked up to see if Jason was looking.

"No."

"Okay Jason but I'm sure you can do this." Dick graciously flipped over onto his feet and was then standing and beaming at Jason with bright eyes.

"No. But hey, Dick?"

Dick beamed. "Yeah, Jason?"

"Do you know what I can do?"

Dick gasped. " _What?_ "

Jason roared and grabbed Dick by the throat, slamming him onto the floor and aiming to choke him to death. " _I can FUCKING murder you, you fucking acrobat freak fucking teach you to one-up me …_!"

Dick's fingers shot up and were clawing at Jason's face and hands as his legs bucked and kicked out. " _Jason … fdlvka can't breathe … but still … love … you …_ "

Jason let go of Dick's throat and then carded his fingers through his own hair. Then he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry I tried to murder you, Dick. It's just … I have cabin fever, y'know?"

Dick clutched his fingers around his own throat and coughed a couple of times. Then he took a deep breath and sat up. Then he smiled. "Hey, that's okay Jason! Though I think cabin fever isn't the problem as we've only been in the same cell for thirty eight minutes." He sprang up onto his feet and looked Jason in the eyes. "But if you really wanted to say sorry, we should go for gelato!"

" _There will be no gelato._ " Jason grunted and walked over to the bars of the cell even as Dick frowned. " _Jeez_. Something's happening, anyway."

The something that was happening was Bellick bouncing over to Tim's cell. "Drake, I bought you this salad. I hope you like it and that _it doesn't make you throw up_... because … sometimes it does that to people."

Jason furrowed his brows. It would be real interesting to see if Tim could pull this whole transfer thing off.

As if after days of planning, Tim closed his eyes and then put on some kind of commanding voice. "Bellick this _cell._ It's _depressing_ me."

Bellick gasped. "What? It is? Is it the toilet? Is it your cellmate _Paul the murderer?_ "

Paul the murderer's lower lip began quivering at that. "Is it me, _Timmy?_ "

Tim slashed his fingers through the air in front of him, as if to cut Bellick off. "No its the Feng Shui Bellick it's wrong _it's all wrong!_ "

Jason's shoulders tensed. _Oh. My God._

Bellick gasped again. "The Feng Shui is wrong?"

"Bellick the Feng Shui isn't just wrong, it's painfully wrong. Ah _what am I even doing here ..."_ Tim was dramatically rubbing his temples. "You got toilets where there should be Okami trees, beds where there should be Chakras _MY WORD Bellick_ did you not think about any of this when you put me in this cell?"

"No I didn't Mr. Drake I'm so sorry!" Bellick furiously scanned around the cells. "Which cell has the best Feng Shui?"

Tim smiled and pointed to Jason's cell. " _That one._ "

Bellick grumbled. "Well I can see why. Todd is an _incredibly_ handsome man."

Jason's eyes flickered at how this might actually work.

"I mean like _fucking hell,_ " Bellick continued, _"_ check out the _ass_ on that man."

"Okay, we get it Bellick," Jason said drably, " _we get it._ "

"He got them washboard abs, stubble from the heavens, _good GOD he is the peak of physical beauty. I mean FUCK ME, look at how FUCKING SEXY his cheekbones …_ "

"Okay, he gets it!" Jason put his hand up. "Thanks. You don't need to explain it any further."

Tim was escorted from his prison cell over to Jason's and then the door was mechanically pulled open and Tim was shoved in so he was nose to nose with Jason. "Hi Jason."

Jason shoved past Tim and looked out the cell. Sure, he'd have to sacrifice his space with the replacement for a while, but it would all be worth it when he got out. "Alright so we've got Tim, now what … what are you idiots _doing_?"

It seemed Dick and Tim had got into some secret handshake, both beaming like the biggest fucktards on the planet. When Tim caught Jason watching him, he did a double take then turned his whole body towards Jason. "Hi Jason," he said with a smile, "we should go get gelato when we get out of here."

Dick turned to Tim with excitement. " _Right?!_ Awrr, it's great how we think so alike!" Tim and Dick were bouncing up and down and grinning like idiots at this revelation.

"Fuck … what's your plan?" Jason said, "bone to the gelato until you tell me your plan."

Tim gasped. "And then gelato?"

Jason forced a smile. "We'll think about it, Drake. Your plan?"

Tim clutched his fingers into a fist and put it in front of his chest. "I'm going to become the best pokemon trainer the world has ever seen …" Tim's eyes sparkled and were on the floor with furrowed brows. " _Me and my Vulpix are going to conquer all the gyms_ …"

Jason's eyes were wide. "Are you fucking serious?"

Tim frowned and then Dick's palm came onto Tim's shoulder reassuringly. "Hey. Ash Ketchum's got nothing on you."

Tim smiled and nuzzled into Dick's chest. "Thanks, Dick."

Jason roared. "I don't want your life plan! _What's your plan for getting out of here?!"_

"Oh." Tim's eyes lit with understanding. " _Ohhhhh._ Well then for that, we need Damian!"

Jason actually felt his heart drop a little in its place. No, my God no. " _What?_ "

"Yeah, he needs to be here or we can't break out," Dick said, as if they both already knew this from the start.

Jason's heart pulsed angrily. No … no, _no_! He drew the line at the replacement, the demon child was a step too far! He began pacing up and down the cell. The replacement and the demon-child were both absolutely _bat-shit insane._ He wasn't … how many strings would he have to pull to be away from them forever?

"We _need_ him Jason," Tim said, as if sensing Jason's discomfort, "he's a crucial part of the plan."

" _He's a demon._ " Jason scratched his temple. " _Why can't we just break out without him?_ "

Tim shrugged. "It wouldn't be possible. He can mimic anyone's voice anywhere on the planet. We need that talent."

Jason breathed deeply through closed lips. "Alright look, even if he were to tunnel out of the solitary isolation, which is a _big if,_ it's going to take him at least several days to dig through thirty feet of concrete and the entire underlay of this prison and we've been here _all of thirty eight minutes …_ so if you've got a way to …"

There was some kind of scratching on the wall.

Jason snapped towards it. "What - what the hell is that?"

The scratching intensified in the wall.

Dick leapt over to it and smashed his ear against the wall. "Sounds like some kind of _ungodly killing machine._ "

What the hell? Jason walked over to the wall slowly and raised his arms into a cross. "Nay, for even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death … I fear no evil … for the Lord is by my …"

There was a loud bang from where the scratching was and all three of them slammed themselves into the bars on the other side with a scream.

"Guys," Tim whispered from next to Jason, "are we gonna die?"

"Yes Tim," Jason said and clutched him close, "yes we are."

The toilet sprang from its place and smashed into the bars and Jason screamed like a bitch and clutched onto Tim with eyes tightly shut.

" _Todd_." Damian stood covered in sand dust and a broken plastic spoon handle where the toilet used to be.

"Oh," Jason said and pushed Tim away. " _It's you._ "

"Damian?" Dick lit up from where he was. "Hey Damian, you made it!" He hugged onto Damian with arms like wire bands while Damian grumbled his content. That was the peak of his emotional displays - grumbling his content.

Damian sneezed sand dust over Dick's shoulder. Then he sniffed and looked between each of them. "I heard talk of _gelato?_ "

"Oooh _please_ let's get gelato, Jason," Tim said.

"What a great idea!" Dick beamed.

"No _there will be no gelato_!" Jason rubbed his eyes. "Listen, what's your plan for getting out of here?"

"I really think we should _at least_ think about gelato," Dick said.

Jason shook his head like a bulldog. " _Plan._ How are we getting out of here?"

"Okay well we have to get into the infirmary first." Tim shrugged. "I'm not sure how we're going to do that but _I know how to do everything after that_!"

Ah, he should have figured that it wouldn't just be as easy as getting both Drake and Wayne into the same cell as him. "So we need to get to the infirmary? Alright. Cool, well can't we just work our magic on Bellick again?" Jason marched over to the bars. "Bellick! Eh Bellick!"

Bellick slammed against the bars in a sexy pose again.

Jason practically leapt back. " _SWEET …_ "

" _Hello Todd_ ," Bellick said sultrily. Then he saw Damian. " _What the f- Shaniqua?!_ "

Damian stood against the wall and tutted.

"Oh okay." Bellick turned to Jason. "Well Todd, we're not giving you any more beds so you have to live with all of these people on two beds. I'm sure you'll all get along _just fine._ A circus freak, a murderer, a Tim Drake and a black woman." Bellick leaned against the bars. " _What could possibly go wrong._ "

He'd probably tear their throats out before the end of the day, if Jason had to stay with all of them much longer. Jason straightened up. "Bellick I need you to move us to the infirmary."

Bellick nodded in understanding and smiled. "Oh _yeah_ sure thing Todd let me just get you the doctor - he can help you with that."

"Okay," Jason smiled, "Hey thanks Bellick that's actually really helpful ..."

Bellick slammed against the bars again, now wearing a doctor's coat. "What seems to be the problem here, Todd?"

Jason's eyes widened for just a split second. "Oh. Just. _Fuck off._ "

Bellick blinked.

"You." Jason still couldn't understand why he was surprised. "You're the _doctor?_ You were the bus driver, the inquiries officer, the correctional officer and now you're also the doctor?"

"Todd, I don't understand why any of this surprises you anymore, clearly I defy the laws of physics."

Dick nodded. "It's true he actually does."

Jason rubbed his eyes. "Alright whatever, could you get us to the infirmary?"

"Okay well do you have any broken bones?"

"Ah – no."

"Burns?"

"No."

"Lacerations?"

Jason cocked his head. "No."

"Are you a leper, Todd?"

Jason narrowed his eyes. "Am I a _leper?_ "

Bellick gasped. "Todd, are you suffering from leprosy? Do you have falling-off body parts?"

Dick gasped. "Jason, is it true? Are you a leper?"

"No I'm not a leper ..."

"That's _exactly_ what a leper would say." Bellick tutted and shook his head. "I can't believe I didn't see this earlier."

" _I'm not a leper_."

"Jason," Dick said with a quivering lip, "how could you not tell us?"

Tim had both his hands to his mouth and his eyes were wide. "Jason I'm so sorry about your condition!"

" _I'm not a leper._ "

"I don't know Grayson," Bellick said, "he could be a sleeping leper. Check his body."

"Sir I will do that Sir!"

"I'm not a leper! Don't touch me Dick or I will actually shiv you."

"Shaniqua," Bellick said, "if he's a leper we need to know!"

Damian tutted and shook his head. "It's okay to be embarrassed about your condition, Todd."

Jason's jaw was practically on the floor. "Are you guys actually serious right now?"

"There's only one way to be sure." Dick turned to Bellick. "Mr Bellick sir, what are the tell-tale signs of leprosy?"

Bellick's eyes widened. "Does he have a strong aversion to … _gelato?!_ "

All three of the other bat brothers gasped and turned to Jason.

"Oh," Jason said, " _my God._ Look listen to me, _listen._ I'm not a leper. I'm _not. A leper._ "

Bellick shrugged. "Then no I can't let you into the infirmary, Todd. Also you should try the canteen, boys, they're serving gelato there today."

Dick gasped. "They're serving gelato?!"

Tim bounced up and down. "Oh my God, gelato!"

"I would not be completely against the idea of gelato, Todd." Damian said.

"D'ya know what." Jason sighed. "I kind of feel like some gelato now. Fine we get some gelato and _then_ we're going to find a way to get into the infirmary."

Tim's eyes lit up. "I'm gonna get mango."

"I don't care, Drake," Jason said.

Bellick started. "Well boys, I think my work here is done …"

" _You did nothing,_ " Jason said.

"And now, like _Nanny McPhee,_ I must leave … to help somebody else." The supporting officer scooted up next to Bellick's ear and he listened intently. "What? _Huh?!_ Oh my God Paul the murderer is trying to murder his new _cellmate?!"_ Bellick fumbled over the other officers and then sprinted towards Tim's old cell. "Why did nobody see this coming?! His name is _Paul the murderer!_ "

Jason sat down against the bars as the cops fumbled against each other and tried sprinting away. " _All three of you are in my cell_."

"Hey Jason." Dick sat down in front of Jason with a smile. Then he poked Jason's nose which made him jolt. " _Bop on your nose to cheer you up!_ "

Jason grit his teeth. "I'm taking top bunk."

There were murmurs of disagreement between them, and someone definitely said ' _I really must protest_ ' but Jason didn't know who.

"Sleep today," Jason said, "we find a way to get to the infirmary tomorrow."

* * *

Guys, I'm actually seriously feeling some pringles. Can somebody please get me some pringles, I will LOVE you forever? Also guys, recommend some of the best fics to me on the Batman fandom I LOVE reading great works :D also, what have you guys been up to? Anyone written any works they are particularly proud of that I can take a look at? :D


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